


Don't You Dare Forget The Sun

by That_1_Nerd



Series: Life Is Trying Me [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Rich Goranski, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Darkest thing I have written so far, Don't read if trigger warnings apply to you, Gay Jared Kleinman, Gay Michael Mell, I promise, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It'll get better, M/M, Oops, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slurs, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, This isn't a stand alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24076024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_1_Nerd/pseuds/That_1_Nerd
Summary: Jared was done with life already. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the pain. He couldn’t take Connor. He couldn’t take another hit from Connor. He couldn’t take another pitiful look from Evan or Michael. He couldn’t keep up this fake confident, and cocky act. He couldn’t keep pretending he was okay. He was done.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman & Michael Mell, Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Series: Life Is Trying Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736992
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Don't You Dare Forget The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Important/please read- do not read this if any of the tags may trigger you!!! I don't go into much detail about each but it can still be very triggering!!! Take care if yourself and be safe!
> 
> Also I do not think of Connor in this way at all! It's just for the plot of the story. 
> 
> Evan/Jared is only tagged for what happens in the future. Zoe And Evan dated in the past but decided they're better off as friends. 
> 
> This is not a stand alone fic! I have a sequel and a prequel already planned. Now that you've made it this far, enjoy!

~You're a mess, tangled with your confidence~

Jared was done with life already. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the pain. He couldn’t take Connor. He couldn’t take another hit from Connor. He couldn’t take another pitiful look from Evan or Michael. He couldn’t keep up this fake confident, and cocky act. He couldn’t keep pretending he was okay. He was done.

~You think you haven't sinned~

Connor never even apologized to him. He hasn’t apologized in months for anything he’s done. It was almost as if he didn’t even know anything he was doing was wrong. Jared found that hard to believe, but not impossible. He almost hoped that Connor didn’t know what he did was wrong, that meant there was a chance Connor still cared about him. 

~Well, you're unstoppable~

But that same thought terrified Jared. If screaming and yelling wasn’t wrong to Connor, then what was? Where would the line between right and wrong be drawn? Jared’s mind only went down from there. So many negative thoughts crossed his mind that he didn’t want to think about.

~Your walls are impassible~  
He couldn’t even talk to Connor about it though. If he tried, he would surely get a worse beating than usual. He couldn’t talk to Connor about anything anymore. One wrong move and there was a fist colliding with his face. Even if he nodded at the wrong time, or smiled at the wrong time he could end up in trouble. 

~Oh, I think you're better off looking alone~

Jared wanted to break up with Connor, he really did. He couldn’t though, he was scared. What would Connor do to him if he even tried? Even worse, he still loves him. Sure, not nearly as much as he used to, but he did. He didn’t want to, he wished he didn’t, but no matter what happened he always found himself still longing for Connor. 

~Cause the boys that chase your hips can just go find their way home~

He should’ve known what he was getting himself into though. Hindsight is 20/20. He should’ve known Connor never actually loved him. He should’ve known Connor was just after his love and his body with no intention of reciprocating any of the affection. He should’ve known that when Jared tried to refuse to get intimate with Connor after their first date but Connor pushed him to anyways.

~And at the end of the day you think to yourself "My body isn’t proud of me and so are the shells."~

As if that wasn’t enough, he should’ve known when Connor came banging on his dorm room door drunk at three am. He should’ve known when Connor had just immediately pushed Jared onto the couch. He should’ve known when it woke up his roommate, Michael, and he had to pull Connor off of Jared. He should’ve known when Michael had tried talking to him about it the next day, and Jared just got mad and pushed him away. He should’ve listened to Michael. 

~Tell me I can change. Tell me I can change~

Jared swore he would never make these same mistakes again. He wouldn’t do anything again. He was done. He didn’t want to live anymore. 

~Well I know you’re laying back~

So here he was, laying in his bed in his empty dorm all alone. Michael was out with his boyfriend, Rich. Jared strived for a relationship like theirs. He wanted to be able to snuggle on the couch and watch a scary movie. He wanted someone to hold him at the jumpscares. He wanted someone to laugh at his lame jokes to cover up his fear. Even better, he wanted someone he was comfortable enough to be scared around instead of feeling the need to hide it. He wanted someone to care about him like how they cared for each other. 

~Contemplating your own death~

There were pills in his bedside drawer. He could end it all right now. He could just roll over, down the pills, and die. Michael would find his dead body on the bed in the morning, and that would be it. Who knows, maybe Michael would cry to Rich about it. He had Rich to comfort him, even though Jared doubted he would need it, so he reached over to open the drawer.

~Well, just look at what you've done~

He winced as he stretched out his arm. Even though it was dark, he could make out the fresh cuts he had created on his own arm, as well as the old ones. Before Connor, he didn’t cut that often. There wasn’t as much of a reason to, he was happier. Now it was an almost nightly occurrence and he was running out of space on his arms.

~Don't you dare forget the sun, love~

He remembered the first time Evan saw his mutilated arms. The boy cried for hours. He’s never seen Evan so distraught before in his life, and he’s seen Evan at some pretty low points. Evan was one of the only positive things left in his life. Evan would be completely destroyed if Jared killed himself right now.

~Don’t forget~

So Jared let go of the drawer handle and moved to grab his phone, quickly pulling up Evans' contact and dialing the number. Evan has gotten better with calling people recently, but Jared still tried to save phone calls just for emergencies. Thankfully, Evan picked up on the second ring. “H-Hello, Jared?”

“I need help”

~Cold white walls, keep you from your pad and pen~

This of course, worried Evan beyond belief. Jared just admitted he needed help. The Jared Evan knew wouldn’t dare say that unless it was a life or death situation. “J-Jared, are you okay?!” he asked frantically. He was already moving to grab his car keys, even though he hates driving with a burning passion. Not only was it dangerous, but it polluted the environment. 

“No, No I’m not” Jared said, his voice was unnaturally flat. His eyes were trained on the pocket knife sitting on his bed. He had just finished with it and he was already struggling to not pick it back up. The temptation to carve thin red lines into his skin with trained skill akin to calligraphy was unbelievably hard to resist.

~You just wanna stab again~

He couldn’t even hear what Evan was saying anymore. He had dropped the phone without even realizing it and picked up the blade once more. He didn’t remember opening the blade, or rolling up his sleeve. 

~I can't believe it's half this hard~

He didn't realize he was dragging the blade against his skin. He didn’t realize he did it twice. Or three times. Or four. He was spiraling out of control. His mind felt fuzzy and light, and his eyes were unfocused. He couldn’t tell if his vision was blurry from tears or not.

~You never knew your mind was dark, no~

He snapped out of it when the fifth gash was created. His eyes were snapped back into focus and he could feel the pain now. He gasped and dropped the knife qucikly, which was accompained by an exclmation of the word “Fuck!”

If he wasn't crying before, he sure was now. He broke down into heart-wrenching sobs. Years ago if you told him he would end up here, he would laugh and make some sort of snarky remark, never considering it to be true. He never thought he could be this pathetic. 

Then he heard his door open. Fuck. That has to be Michael, or so he thought. He only panicked more at that. What would Michael do if he saw Jared like this? Would he laugh? He would probably laugh. I mean, who wouldn’t? Jared was so weak right now it was laughable.

“Jared!”

“Evan?!” Jared called back. He didn’t know if he should feel relieved or scared.

~I think your better off looking alone~

The thought of Evan seeing him like this terrified him. He would be the first person to ever see this side of Jared. He had always dealt with his issues by himself, but that clearly isn't working anymore. He was tempted to try and deny whatever help Evan was going to offer, but he knew that was dumb.

~The boys that chase your hips can just go find their way home~

Look what happened the last time he denied help from someone. Michael tried to save him from Connor months ago and he ignored him. Now he was sobbing on his bed on the verge of suicide. 

Then Evan burst into the room, flipping on the light switch.

~You can dig so deep for scars~

“Jared are yo-” Evan cut himself off when his eyes landed on Jared. Evan has never seen anyone look so broken before. “...Oh my God” He said before rushing over to the bed. He quickly picked up the discarded knife and carefully placed it on the dresser for now. “Jare...what happened?” He asked, gently taking Jared's arm into his hand, looking down at all the wounds in absolute horror. He knew Jared had cut before, but he thought he stopped, and he never knew it was this bad.

~You never knew your mind was dark~

“I’m sorry!” Jared was quick to exclaim, a sob clawing its way out of his throat. 

“Jare, shh” Evan said, reaching out one hand to wipe away Jared’s tears. “Its okay- well -no, its not okay. /you’re/ not o-okay. But you will be. It’ll b-be okay” Evan rambled out slightly before he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He quickly pulled it out, realizing it was from Zoe.

Zoe Murphy: Connors coming  
Zoe Murphy: Idk how but he knows u went to J’s  
Zoe Murphy: He’s angry  
Zoe Murphy: pls get out of there  
Zoe Murphy: I dont want him 2 hurt u

“Crap” Evan muttered under his breath

Jared looked up at the blonde boy, confused “What?”

“Connor’s coming”

~Come on and breathe with me oh!~

Jared’s eyes widened with panic as his breath caught in his throat. He felt like a weight had been placed on his lungs. He couldn’t breath and everything looked blurry again. He felt like he was dying.  
Evan’s eyes widened, but for different reasons to Jared’s. It only took him a second to realize what was happening, thanks to all his personal experience. “Jared, you’re having a panic attack. Can I touch you?” He said as calmly as he could, which was harder than it sounds. The only response Jared gave was frantic nodding, but Evan was quick to spring into action. He kneeled onto the bed, pulling Jared’s head to his chest and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. 

~Breathe with me oh!~

“Breath Jare, just focus on my breathing and copy it, okay?” Evan said, gently rubbing his hand gently over Jared's back. 

Jared didn’t know how long it took him to calm down, but it apparently took him too long. The second he caught his breath, he heard the door to his door fly open harshly. That definitely was not Michael. Jared couldn’t believe the whimper he heard leave his own mouth. Was he really that pathetic?

~Well I know you're laying back~

“Jared Kleinman! You’re ass is mine!” Connor yelled as he turned into Jared's room. His grip tightened on Evan in fear, but it was no use. Within seconds, Evan was being thrown to the ground by Connor, and Connor was dragging Jared up by his shirt collar.

~Contemplating your own death~

“What the fuck were you doing!” Connor yelled, Jared could feel Connor’s breath on his face, hot and angry. Jared tried to open his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. What was he supposed to say? ‘Yeah sorry, Evan here was just stopping me from killing myself. My bad’ “Answer me, Jared!” Connor yelled again, shaking Jared violently. Evan couldn’t believe his own eyes. He knew Jared and Connors relationship was bad, but he didn’t know it was this bad. He would have done something if he did.

~Well just look at what you've done~

“It was your fault!” Was what ended up leaving Jared’s mouth. He didn’t mean to say it, that’s just what came out. 

His facial expression turned to one of terror as he watched Connor’s morph into fury. He felt Connor’s open-palmed hand collide with his face harder than it had ever before, and with it came an incredibly loud smack that had Evan gasping. 

~Don't you dare forget the sun, Love~

“Did you forget who the fuck you were talking to!?” Connor roared before throwing Jared to the floor with a thud. 

“Connor please, I’m sorry!” Jared said, hands coming up instinctually to protect his face. 

“Sorry for what?! Huh, Jared. What, were you cheating on me?!” Connor exclaimed. At first it had no meaning to it, then he looked over at Evan. “You were, weren’t you!” he then said, turning his attention back to Jared. “Jared, you whore! You absolute slut!” He roared, grabbing Jared by his shirt and pulling him back up roughly. 

“No, I wasn’t!” Jared defended himself. 

“Then what were you doing, huh?! What are you sorry for?!”

~You look down on me so casually, in everything I know~

“I hurt myself, Connor!” Jared then exclaimed as the tears came back to his eyes.

“And how is that my fault?!”

“You treat me like absolute shit! I can’t even speak around you without this happening! I’m sick of it Connor. I’m done with you!” Jared yelled back.

~You look down on me, but not right on me~

Connor seemed to freeze up at that.”Tell me you love me” He said, no longer yelling. Somehow, this was more scary. When Jared was quiet for too long, Connor spun him around and slammed him into the wall, pinning him there. Connor’s hand found its way into Jared’s hair, using it to pull his head back roughly. “Tell me you love me!” He yelled.

Evan was frozen in fear on the ground. He couldn’t believe what was happening. He knew he needed to call 911, but he feared what Connor would do, since there was no way he wouldn’t hear it. 

“No” came Jared’s response, squeezing his eyes shut. His voice was so small and scared it was barely audible.

~ Did I wreak this broken home?~

Connor pulled Jared’s hair roughly again, earning a noise of pain from the smaller male. “SAY YOU LOVE ME!” Connor yelled so loud that he was sure the neighbors would hear it.

“NO!” Jared yelled back, matching Connor’s volume for once before his voice dropped back down to its previous level. “No...you did this to yourself. I loved you. I loved you so much and you ruined that.” He said through teary eyes. 

~Dear Diary,~

“I pined over you for years, Connor. I’m sure I wrote some dumb shit about you or something. I was head over heels for you, but I can’t do this anymore” Jared practically whimpered out. 

~Life is trying me~

“I can’t live like this anymo-” Jared was cut off by Connor pulling his hair again. 

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Connor yelled before moving to throw Jared down onto the bed, then climbing on top of him and pinning him down. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

~Can I get a sign?~

Jared shook his head. “No, I do. I really do, Connor.” he replied, scared of what would happen next. 

~Or a two of mind, a piece of mind~ 

Jared was right to be scared, because he felt lips pushing roughly against his own. He tried to pull away but he couldn’t, Connor had him pinned. He squirmed underneath the taller boy, but it was no use.

~Can I get a sign, can I get a sign~

Connor eventually pulled away, Jared was left gasping for air with tears rolling down his cheeks, he was trembling. “Connor...please st-” 

“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up, you bitch!” Connor yelled before slapping Jared across the face again, hard enough bruise. Before Jared could react. Connor was flipping him over. Jared was mortified of what would happen.

“Connor no! Stop! Connor stop it!” Jared screeched, completely freaking out at this point. He was flailing and squirming all he could, but he just couldn’t shake the other. Connor just smacked the back of his head before forcing it into the mattress in response.

~Well I know you’re laying back~

Thankfully, he felt Connor get pulled off of him roughly. He quickly lifted his head and pushed himself up, he was shocked to see what was happening. 

Evan Hansen, the nervous, awkward, anxious, sweet Evan Hansen, had yanked Connor off of Jared and thrown him to the ground. Even Evan looked shocked with himself. He looked at Jared with a panicked expression, not sure of what to do next. 

~Contemplating your own death~

“You little asshole!” Connor exclaimed, standing up and turning to face Evan. Uh oh.

Evan held his hands up defensively and backed up against the wall. Sure, Evan’s adrenaline surge was enough to throw Connor halfway across the room, but there was no way he could take Connor in a fight. 

This did not look good. 

~Well just look at what you've done~

That was until he saw Connor get tackled in a flash of red

Michael!

Jared had never been more relieved to see his roommate before. He must’ve just gotten home, because his bag was thrown on the floor, and his boyfriend, Rich, was standing in the doorway calling 911.

~Don't you dare forget the sun, Love!~

Jared didn’t know what he would do without MIchael, now that he thought about it. Michael had always been there for him, even if he didnt want it. Hell, when Jared didn’t come home from Connor’s till 4am, and didn’t answer his phone since Connor broke it, Michael had stayed awake to make sure Jared returned okay and was about 5 seconds away from driving to Connors and calling the police. Of course, Jared just got mad about that. He remembered yelling at Michael, saying how he was old enough to make his own decisions. That was until he collapsed in the hallway. Still, Michael had picked him up and carried him to his bed. Then when Jared refused to go to the doctor to see if he had a concussion, Michael dragged him all the way there and even made up a story about what happened. Then Jared just got mad at Michael again for babying him. Even after all that, Michael let Jared lay down with his head in Michael's lap as the taller boy very gently ran his hand through Jared's hair in an attempt to make his concussion even the slightest bit more comfortable. 

He really needed to apologize to Michael. 

But for now, he just watched as Michael absolutely bashed in Connor’s face with his fist. Jared wasn’t sure, but he could’ve sworn he saw blood. Yeah, Connor could beat the hell out of Evan, but he was no match for Michael fucking Mell when he was fuled with adreanaline, and probably a whole lot of emotions. After all, Michael knew how Connor treated Jared. Jared never explicitly told anyone about it, but Michael wasn’t an idiot. Neither was Evan. Michael just never knew how to approach the situation, it seemed as if every time he tried to reach out to Jared, Jared just pushed him away.

~You look down on me, but not right on me~

Before he knew it, he felt Evan pulling him off the bed. Everything was in a blur from there. He just felt Evan’s arms pulling him outside and sitting him down on the curb. He remembered Evan’s concerned face. He remembered Evan fretting and checking every inch of exposed skin for any sort of injury. He remembered Evan taking his face in his hands and soothing over the red handprint shapes with his thumbs. He remembered relaxing into the touch and feeling safe for once.

~Is it plain to see that life trying me?~

He could hardly even hear the sirens until they were right next to him, that’s how out of it he was. He remembered Evan pulling him to his feet gently. Evan was always gentle, which was a drastic change from Connor. Jared wouldn’t ever dare to complain about it. Evan’s tenderness was exactly what he needed right now

~Life is trying me~

He felt Evan pull him close, using one hand to gently hold Jared’s head in the crook of his neck. Unlike Jared, Evan was fully aware of what was going on. He didn’t want Jared seeing Connor as the police lugged him out of the dorms and getting set off. However, Evan could only do so much, because the car door being shut was enough to startle Jared into lifting his head up. 

Jared’s eyes locked on to Connor’s through the window of the car. Connor’s face was pretty messed up, Michael really did do a number on him. His lip was busted and swollen, along with a bloody nose and plenty of other bruises.

~Life is trying~

Jared felt his lower lip start to quiver again as his senses came rushing back to him. That sight seemed to be enough to snap him back to reality. He really hated that Evan was seeing him like this. He was seeing him so weak, so pathetic. He worked so hard for years to not break down in front of Evan. Hell, he had been bottling up his emotions and covering them with sarcasm and snark since as long as he could remember. Just this last year or so was enough to break him. If only he was stronger.

He knew he shouldn’t think like that, but he couldn’t stop himself. Everything hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Thoughts like that just made everything so much worse.

~Can I think of something, gotta think of something~

He just let his head drop back on to Evan’s shoulder and finally let it all out in front of him. He couldn’t keep hiding all this pain from everyone anymore. He would never get better if he did. So he cried. He cried and he cried and he cried.

But Evan was there to hold him the whole time. Evan was always there to catch him when he fell. Evan was the light in his dark world. Evan was the sun, and he would never forget that.


End file.
